Survivor: Home

I was going to wait a week to post, and then jump out and yell, "Boo"...claiming that I had really died of taking my mother to the doctor, and was miraculously revived by an EMT George Clooney look alike performing CPR. But, I'm really only amusing myself.

The doctor's appointment is over for another YEAR. I no longer have to worry about the semi or bi situation...if Mom stays "stable", her doctor says that she only needs to make the journey annually. What a time saver!

So when is the house going to learn to take care of itself?

I actually don't mind "house work". You know, cleaning, laundry, cooking... It's just exhausting trying to cram it in between all the other "stuff". I've ALWAYS had to stifle the bitch-slap, when female acquaintances used the, "You can just CLEAN so much! tee, hee!" justification for sending their children off to be raised by wolves, while they sashay off to the executive washroom. If you have children in the house, there is constant cleaning. My daughter, a clean and tidy person, is 32 years old with a home of her own, and still, she leaves a trail of detritus all over mine! Used coffee mugs, newspapers, keys, phone, dirty wash, shoes, bags, wrappers, roller-blades, and jackets...and that's just now, looking around, sitting in my chair and minding my own business!

Now, throw in the Grands! They have been instructed by their father and mother to take their shoes off when entering the house. (I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to take MY shoes off when I visit in their home...but, I keep them on. It's my knee jerk rebellion to the mess they leave with me!) The kids DO take off their shoes at my house as well. In the middle of the floor, after walking through mud, jumping in leaves, and using them as a shovel for loose gravel! They play with pennies and marbles, paints and playdoh, oh, and a wonderful invention of my daughter's, DIRT PILES! We take old cookie sheets and put on a scoop of flour, a spoonful of sugar, and a couple of chunks of old brown sugar...then we let the boys, with their matchbox trucks, play in it on the living room coffee table! Wheee!

They find "meteors" at the construction sight, and clean them up in the kitchen sink (have you ever SEEN what meteors do to stainless steel when repeatedly dropped from faucet height?)! They leave every other kitchen surface covered in water and the dish towel (have you ever seen what meteors DO to kitchen towels?) in the dining room. There are hand prints (and tongue prints) on every single window and the TV screen and the mirror and the picture frames and the refrigerator and the dishwasher! If any of them ever disappear (god forbid) the police have unlimited identification sources.

There are books, balls, cards, dolls, legos, puzzles, cars, train sets, and little people farm accessories spread over the entire downstairs living area...then they carry stuff UPSTAIRS at naptime and it mysteriously multiplies while they sleep! And, you don't want to know what they do to the bedding! They knot it, crumble it, and make it into forts! They drag it around, wrap themselves in it, then pee through their pull-ups! They wipe their feet and their noses and the cat's feet and nose with it.

Every surface is sticky. Every carpet, crumb strewn. Every lamp shade is crooked. Every drawer, rearranged. Seriously, we could be robbed or bombed and I'd probably never notice!

I'm not complaining...I'd just like a drink!

It's Still Dark Out....

That is NOT an existential comment on the the state of my mindset or emotional level...it is LITERALLY, dark outside! I had to be up early this morning...and now I'm procrastinating...to take my mother to her semi-annual (I always get confused...shouldn't it be bi-annual if it's every six months?) doctor's appointment. This is more difficult than it sounds.

Five years ago, or is it six, she moved here from an hour away. What was I thinking? Anyway, she lives five minutes from me...an hour from her doctor. She "kept" her doctor...she likes him...and believe me - you want my mother to be HAPPY! So, twice a year we drive an hour for mom to get a refill for her prescriptions.

If I survive, I'll post more later.....

Monday....

I live a charmed life. Well, maybe not "charmed". Not everything I touch turns to gold...but, it doesn't all turn to shit, either. I live a good life, a happy life, a fulfilling life...which would be greatly enhanced by a couple of glasses of wine!

I purchased a Barbara Holland book, after reading her obituary. That's sad isn't it...that death is our introduction...but, that's a bit cerebral and morbid for 8:30a.m. (note to self: topic for post, Bogus Journeys) The book is titled, "The Joy of Drinking"...

I also found another blog to add my growing list of inspiration. I found it through another blog that was recommended by yet another blog...wow! a network. I really, really enjoy reading Heather Armstrong, really, really, really enjoy Heather (http://www.dooce.com). I happened to read some of the "comments" to her most recent post and stumbled onto "One Perfect Word" (http://www.oneperfectword.blogspot.com)...Kristi has promise (she's very talented, I'm talking "promise" in becoming a "favorite" of mine).

Then, I decided I should get off my ass and do something that other people consider "constructive". So I GOT DRESSED! Even TOOK A SHOWER! I'm telling you, I'm oozing into old age...I'm preoccupied with how I feel, and it all has to do with pain and deterioration! Just today, I realized that I'm starting to care less about body hair...I don't shave nearly as compulsively as I once did...and caring for the pubes rarely enters into it at all, now. Of course, there's a lot less to care for.

I was contemplating exercising to my yoga video...Wouldn't just THAT (the contemplation) count as existential exercise?...and then I remembered that Daughter and I wanted to take a walk after our obligatory visit with Nana. There are three Grands involved in "the walk": one double stroller and one single. The single had a flat tire. So, I decided to change the tire.

Changing tires is NOT rocket science, but it is profanity inducing, and you can add it to the list of things one shouldn't attempt while NOT drinking...

Anyway, after the tire change is complete, I'm looking around and thinking about how much I HATE the garage...it does NOT look like an organizational article in Better Homes and Gardens...and I notice a new piece of machinery. WHAT is that...oh, an electric winch! Hummmm....I'm reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" (isn't EVERYONE?), so now I'm a little concerned....(to be continued)...

Pshew! It's ok. The winch is for the LAWN MOWER...so that the Tall One can clean the blades...nothing kinky...nothing sadistic...unless you happen to be a lawn mower blade, or have a fetish for same...

Resolve is Crumbling....

Good Grief, it's only been TWO weeks! I'll probably feel better after I eat dinner, but right now I feel like opening a bottle and sticking in a straw!

Last evening, Tall One and I went to the pub. Tall One is advocating for moderation, and I agree. But, I haven't really lost much, if any, weight, and I'm kind of committed to waiting till NEXT weekend, before I "cheat" at PhD's and Master's house. Did I mention, that next weekend is also our anniversary...so, really it would be most advantageous, for my weight and self-esteem to stick to the plan. So, last night before we went to the pub, Tall One, gave me "permission" to drink...but, I didn't! I got a diet Pepsi...life sucks.

Still Sober....

Well, here I am. I'm getting more and more bitter that I can't look forward to a glass or two of wine at the end of the day...so, I'm trying to make up for it in whine.

My energy level, physical pain, and stamina don't feel to be positively affected by my abstinence. Believe it or not, I'm considering that good news. I lean strongly towards my hormones as the culprits in my debilitating lethargy, and I'm not particularly interested in pursuing other causes or corrections. I'm hoping to out grow it.

I'm still committed in my resolve not to drink. I do need to drop some weight and I can't imagine having to cut back on food, or increase my physical activity. The older I get, the less inclined I am to suffer. Just as, at one time, I could go without sleep, but now I feel physically ill when I'm sleep-deprived, when I'm feeling hungry, it's almost unbearable, where 10 years ago, it was the norm. As for exercise, I've been experiencing a steady decline in what I'm capable of, as well as what I'm willing to endure.

This isn't a lack of will or an issue remedied by mind-over-matter. Believe me, the spirit is willing....I just hurt. So, I am where I am. I'm looking forward to telling PhD and Master's, when we visit next weekend, that I haven't had a drink in THREE WEEKS! I'm looking forward to feeling a bit slimmer when Tall One and I head off to Costa Rica at the beginning of next month!

Rainy Monday Musings....

Monday morning...and it's raining. I know how Karen Carpenter must have felt. I survived the weekend...actually the weekend was a lot of fun, in that grandparently masochistic way...I started a post that I may finish at some point...but, well on to the present....

I am missing my nightcaps. But, not the calories. That's my main concern right now. I don't know that I feel significantly different, enough to abstain completely...but, I really am concerned about the creepage of poundage. Once I've gotten that under control, I'm looking forward, once again, to a glass of red. What I DO like, is reading myself to sleep and remembering what I've read, and getting up more easily in the morning. I'm sure that "moderation" may be the key.

Daughter and Dude brought back a bottle of Tug Boat Red from their trip to the Fingerlakes' wineries. It is very, very good...I took a sip. I was really ok with just the sip. I did treat myself, later in the evening after the Grands left, to a dish of ice cream. To celebrate making it over a week on the wagon...and to cushion the loneliness of the quiet house.

Tall One's been cooking on Sundays...mostly because I don't. But, his meals have been good. Last night's risotto, especially! I'm looking forward to having some for lunch today.

There are some days, like today, that I really do see the allure of Tweeter. I've got thousands of random thoughts bouncing around in my head...but not the ambition to think deeply and flesh them out. But, since I'm not obsessive enough to sit in front of this computer all day, and I don't have internet capability on my shitty cell phone, I'll post a couple of "tweets" right here....

I just looked in the mirror and I've got an awful lot (emphasis on the awful!) of gray hair!

The older we get, the more distractions we need...and yet, can't handle!

Am I a bigot, or just stereotypically astute?

When I have the time, I don't feel like crying...when I feel like crying I don't have the time.

It's getting cold out, I'm wearing socks!

Won't someone, please, make it trendy to wear socks with flip-flops?

It's going to be a busy week (this isn't a "tweet", it's the beginning of a new train of thought). I will be seeing and spending time with my mother each day (except Thursday, and, I'm watching the Grands and working on Thursday). I think that a larger than normal percentage of the tasks will challenge my resolve "to enjoy everything I do, because life is too short to do anything that I don't want to do!".

Tomorrow is the dentist (for me) and the foot doctor (for mom). Wednesday is grocery shopping and light housework for mom. Friday, mom and I are making apple dumplings. This will be the first year she hasn't made them on her own. She never seems to particularly enjoy baking the obscene amount of dumplings she insists are necessary. She gives them all away. They ARE very good...but, it's kind of sad, because nobody REALLY cares and she makes herself sick over the whole project. She dreads it for weeks before, complains about the apples, the mess, the looks of the finished dumplings, and worries herself, to "the annoyance", over whether they are good or not. Afterward, she is stiff, sore, sick and wonders if anyone appreciates her sacrifice. I'm exhausted writing about it.

I wish that, after she is gone, I could remember the annual fall apple dumplings with nostalgia and pathos...but, I think I'll probably just contine on with the overwhelmingly pissed off feeling of being manipulated into feigned enjoyment that permeates so much of my interaction with my mother. This is a two way street, people, believe me. I carry as much, if not more responsibility for my feelings than my mother does. But, now I have to go...to mom's...so I'll have to more fully explore this another day...or not...mostly not...This is really something you'll have to read about on "Bogus Journeys".

One Week!

Auld Lang Syne is playing in my head, the balloons and confetti are dropping from the ceiling in my mind...all that's missing is the bubbly for toasting...

This morning I was giving Tall One a hard time about his grocery demands, he sarcastically retorted with a very witty comeback, "I'll be glad when you start drinking again." Way to support me you obnoxious so-&-so! Actually, the week has gone well.

Eventually, I imagine thinking about my former nightly glasses of wine, the way I think about my former evening vat of ice cream...oh, how it wish it could be, but it's really not a good idea!

I slept in a little late today. I didn't get up until 6:45a.m. - I had to go over to Wheeler at 2a.m., I wasn't there long, that's not an excuse, I'm just saying! So the goal of getting up at six isn't observed obsessively, but I'm definitely on the plus side!

I haven't gone to the gym at all, but I did start my yoga regime, had a session of kickboxing and used the Nordic track ...so it's been a good week for exercise. And, since I've amended, in my head, my original goal of "Go to the gym once a week" to "Yoga tape"...I feel as if I've made it.

I ran last Saturday, and have a strategy for this Saturday, even though I'm babysitting the Grands for the weekend. I'll run during their nap time, instead of in the morning. That's the plan...it should work...I'll let you know.

Oh, I went to the pub Wednesday night with Tall One and had a soda. It wasn't difficult for me, just a little embarrassing to sit at the bar and NOT drink. But, I, seriously, have no pride left (it's a long story)...so, I'll probably just continue to take up space.

One last thought, I talked to Master's last evening about our upcoming trip to North Carolina, and we're thinking of visiting some wineries and wine stores...it's also the weekend of Tall One's and my 33rd anniversary. I was thinking out loud to Daughter, about the bummer of that timing, and she said I shouldn't be ridiculous - of COURSE I had to have some wine that weekend! So I will!

Time to go...If I don't get to post over the weekend, it's not because I'm drooling through an alcohol induced stupor...it's because I'm moderating an intense Nintendo Wii gaming session, holding a princess, or taking a nap!